I’ve always felt I keep changing into a new person every few years. Not fundamentally, just that something I’d perceived to be true shatters like a layer of illusion, and things feel clear. The world makes more sense. It is a strange moment when the realization hits. Sometimes it feels bittersweet, and sometimes it feels funny, but it always brings a sense of relief. I regress into my old self sometimes after the moment passes by, but once you know, you know. That there is clarity behind the layers. There is a new way to experience reality.
When I understand something I had been pondering unknowingly for a long time, I feel transformed into something more. I would look back with relief, and things that I had been agonizing over would no longer bother me. The world would feel lighter for a while. I did not notice these moments in the past as they would happen slowly over a long time. The realization would only come when we looked back far enough to see where we started and where we ended.
Past would feel like my stories, but at the same time, stories of someone I knew. Maybe those moments of change are where I call it my past as it felt I stepped into a new place. For a brief moment, it would make me wish I had known more back then; but it is also true that it is part of the long road I will walk. I feel like telling them that it is ok, you are going to places you’ve always wanted to go to, and I’m ok with all the choices. It feels like remembering friends from the past who I will probably never see again.
Yesterday I talked to an old friend on messenger about my recent conflict, and she told me, “Come on, what do you have to lose… I meant in the right sense”. And she was right that I had nothing to lose (in a good sense). It is one of those lines you will have heard countless times by the time you reach your thirties. It felt light after hearing that. And today morning, I woke up, got my tea, and headed over to my rooftop to get some of that sweet fresh morning air. I listened to music, paced back and forth, sipping my tea. And the things that were weighing me down yesterday felt lighter. I felt a presence from my future look at me and smile. Telling me it is ok. Just walk towards me, and I will take it from there.